


The Hot Pocket of Despair

by Nary



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Familiars, Gen, Humor, Jealousy, Pushing your feelings down into a little ball, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:02:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21947014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nary/pseuds/Nary
Summary: "I was never really that into the whole vampire thing," Jenna confessed.  Guillermo stared blankly at her, jealousy boiling inside him.  The gift of immortality, such immense power, given to some mediocre girl who 'wasn't that into the whole vampire thing.'  "Even when I was going through my Twilight phase, I was always Team Jacob," said Jenna with a sigh.  "He was just so much cuter."
Relationships: Guillermo & Jenna (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 99
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	The Hot Pocket of Despair

**Author's Note:**

  * For [htbthomas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/htbthomas/gifts).



Guillermo hated the new girl. He had every right to, as far as he was concerned. He'd been waiting patiently for Nandor to turn him for ten years. TEN YEARS. And then Nadja had turned this... this _nobody_ on a whim, after knowing her for no more than a few days. It was unfair, stupid, pointless, and extremely embittering. 

So he did what he always did with his resentment - he pushed it down deep inside until no one but him could tell it was there. He smiled and did what he could to help her out as she was learning the ropes, while quietly seething on the inside. When she moved into the house with the rest of them, Guillermo helped with setting up her coffin in one of the spare rooms. 

"The room looks great," Jenna said. "Really, um, gothic." She fingered one of the purple velvet draperies he had picked out. 

He smiled, daydreaming about rigging those curtains so they would slip open during the day, letting sunlight stream in. He could make it look like an accident, and everyone would believe it because she was just so pathetically helpless. He'd done it before - well, not on purpose, but he knew how it would go.

"It's got a real classic vampire feel to it," she was saying, admiring the taxidermied stag head that was mounted on the wall. Guillermo considered how it could fall, impaling her just so. "Do you think you could put up some fairy lights, though? Just a string of them here and there - for a bit of light? I know it doesn't really match the aesthetic you have going on here, but it would help me feel more at home."

"I suppose so," Guillermo said, biting back a grimace. 

"You must know a lot about vampires," Jenna continued shyly. "You're kind of like an expert, right? A vampire wrangler or something?"

"I guess you could say that," Guillermo replied. He didn't usually think of himself as an expert, but when she put it that way, it did have a certain ring to it.

"I was never really that into the whole vampire thing," she confessed. Guillermo stared blankly at her, jealousy boiling inside him. The gift of immortality, such immense power, given to some mediocre girl who 'wasn't that into the whole vampire thing.' "Even when I was going through my Twilight phase, I was always Team Jacob," said Jenna with a sigh. "He was just so much cuter."

Guillermo paused. "I wouldn't tell anyone that if I were you."

"Oh," she said, looking uncertain. "Because of the whole werewolf thing?"

"WEREWOLF?" Laszlo bellowed from the other room. "Who's talking about those filthy curs?"

"No one," Guillermo said hastily. "We were just talking about ... Where's Waldo."

"So hard to find," Jenna added, nodding along.

Laszlo frowned, looking bemused. "Who is this Waldo you speak of? He's not a werewolf, is he?"

"Not as far as I know," Guillermo said. "He might be a wizard or something, though."

"Ah, you can never trust a wizard," Laszlo nodded sagely. "Sneaky bastards. I hope you find him, Gizmo. Can't have wizards lurking around the place."

* * *

Nadja was trying to teach Jenna how to be a vampire, but Nadja's idea of instruction was to push her off the deep end in various situations and see what worked and what failed miserably. Sometimes literally, as in their flying lessons. Jenna had crushed one of Laszlo's topiary vaginas in the ensuing fall. 

"Maybe you have the evil eye," Nadja was currently telling her. "Look at that man and try to curse him with your eyes." 

Guillermo realized she was pointing at him. He had been dusting the credenza and trying to mind his own business, and now he was an experimental subject to test the evil eye on. Great. His day couldn't get much worse. He looked over at the camera crew to see if they were getting this. The camera operator shrugged in a "sorry, dude" kind of way and kept rolling.

"I'm not sure how," Jenna said hesitantly.

"Gaze on him," Nadja said, as if it was obvious. "Focus all your hate for him, all your malice, into the little black dot in your eye, and send it out to strike him like a loser beam!"

 _Laser beam,_ Guillermo thought but didn't say out loud. Apart from Colin Robinson, the vampires were pretty sketchy on most areas of modern technology.

Jenna looked uncomfortable. "I don't have any malice towards Guillermo..."

"Bah, of course you have malice! He is a man, men are pigs - even my beloved Lazlo can be a pig. It is in their nature, darling. You told me about this demon called 'patriarchy' - you know, how they use their little tricks to pretend they are in control, to try to tell women what to do. Now you can have your revenge."

Guillermo probably should have been offended, but he didn't want to #notallmen a vampire who could apparently curse him with a glance.

"Guillermo has been nothing but friendly since I met him," Jenna protested. "I really don't think he's a... a demon of the patriarchy. He helped me get moved in and set up my room and he was really sweet about everything, when he didn't have to be."

Nadja rolled her eyes. "Of course he had to be - he's a familiar. But very well." She swept her cloak on. "Come, we will go out and find you someone else to curse. There is a man on Ashley Street who lets his dog poop in our yard."

* * *

Guillermo was microwaving himself a Hot Pocket when Jenna appeared suddenly at his elbow. He hadn't seen her coming, and jumped back in surprise. "Oh, you scared me!"

"Sorry," she said. "I must have been invisible by accident. I still don't quite have control over it."

Of fucking _course_ she could turn invisible. Guillermo stifled a sigh. "Did you need something?"

"I was just looking for Nandor. He promised to work on flying with me later. Nadja's great and everything, but her methods are a little... forceful." 

"Did she push you off the roof again?"

"No, but she did say something about buying a trampoline. Nandor just seems more gentle."

"He turned the Euphrates red with blood, twice. He'll tell you all about it if you ask," Guillermo pointed out. 

"Oh," Jenna said. "And I guess he's not very nice to you, either, is he?"

Guillermo bristled automatically. Only he was allowed to think bad things about his master! The microwave beeped, and he removed his dinner, giving him a moment to compose his expression. "He's very good to me. He gives me flying lessons sometimes too." He didn't tell her that meant picking him up and carrying him around in front of the mirror so it looked like he was flying. 

"Didn't he drop you one time, though, and you ended up in the hospital? Colin told me about it. I mean... I know you're his familiar, and you care for him. But he doesn't treat you right. You deserve better." 

"You don't know what you're talking about," Guillermo told her firmly. "You hardly even know me."

"I know if you were my familiar, I wouldn't insult you all the time and forget your name and treat you like garbage. I'd look after you." Jenna looked embarrassed, as if she was worried she'd overstepped her bounds. "I mean... it's your job to look after them, but shouldn't it go the other way too?"

Guillermo looked down at the Hot Pocket. It was a sad little meal, because the vampires didn't eat food, and didn't remember that _he_ needed to eat food, and he was so busy looking after them that he usually had to make do with what he could microwave in his room. The Hot Pocket of self-sacrifice. The Hot Pocket of thwarted dreams. The Hot Pocket of despair.

And Jenna was new and desperately needed guidance. In a way, he had more vampire experience than she did. He could be a better teacher than Nadja or Nandor or Laszlo. Maybe in time he could mold her into something greater, something more than what she started out as. Maybe if he served her well, she would make him a vampire too... 

"I'm sorry," Jenna said, shuffling awkwardly. "This is weird, right? I always mess things up. I should probably go."

"No, it's okay," Guillermo assured her, mustering a smile. He felt confident it didn't look fake - he was very good at hiding his feelings when he had to. "It's not weird. It's nice having someone around I can really talk to. Maybe we could discuss this more over a movie? Have you ever seen Interview With The Vampire?"

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr at [naryrising](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/naryrising) if you want to ask questions, make requests, or chat!


End file.
